Writings, Essays, Lyrics, Musings, Commentary . . .

Article #33: Fun Things To Do At Wal-Mart

I'd promised a new article about "dance like nobody's is watching" and why that phrase so upsets me. As most of you know, I've been kinda out of it for a few weeks due to carpar tunnel surgery. Part of the healing protocol even kept me from typing. So it is that I'm passing on crafting a new article at the moment. I promise that you will eventually hear my diatribe on the aforementioned phrase. . . promise.

In the meanwhile, as I've been known to do in the past, I'd like to share something that was emailed to me. I actually received this from a few different sources. It made (and still makes) me really laugh out loud!

I think I find it so humorous because it reminds me of something my father would have done. He was quite the cross between Bill Cosby (in terms of physical mannerisms) and Redd Foxx as Fred Sanford (full of biting sarcasm).

He clearly comes to mind as Mr. Fenton.

However, as someone pointed out to me, "the fruit don't fall far from the tree." I am definitely my father's child. (For example, when my son was young and we'd go to the mall, whenever we passed the piano store, I would break into song -- whatever the demo piano was playing -- and then dance the length of the mallway.) Oh yes, many of the items listed below fit me like a glove (in particular #5, #9, #11 and #13). Can't wait to try #15.

Can you envision anyone doing these things? If not, think of me. I hope you enjoy.

* * * * *

Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired. Mrs. Fenton insists that Mr. Fenton go with her to Wal-Mart. He gets bored with all the shopping. He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse. Here's a letter sent to her from the store:

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below.

Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in Walmart:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "'Code 3' in housewares "... and watched what happened.

5. Aug 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. Sept 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Sept 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. Sept 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. Oct 4: Looked right into the security camera, used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. Nov 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where to find the antidepressants.

11. Dec 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. Dec 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Dec 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. Dec 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

And last, but not least ...

15. Dec 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

(If anyone knows the author, please let me know. Would love to give the writer proper acknowledgment.)